My First Child Would Be 17 This Year

There I was, 17 and pregnant.  The walls were closing in on me.  Life seemed to have taken this drastic turn and who I was no longer existed.  Let me start from the beginning.

I was 15 when i saw him.  He was this big tall man and something drew me to him immediately.  I knew his friends but I didnt know him.  You know how these things work, you tell your friend who knows his friends and then suddenly he was in my life.  He came to my school functions and doted on me.  He would bring me lunch at school and showered me with gifts.  My parents were strict, he was allowed to our house only a couple times a week, and under no circumstances was I allowed to ride in a car with him.  He respected me and never pressured me into intimate relations. Of course, as our relationship grew, I thought that was the only natural progression so by 16 we had decided to take it to the next level. everything changed immediately- suddenly he became controlling and I became insecure- I wasnt prepared emotionally.  We fought like cats and dogs. We would break up and would get back together.  We broke up for the last time right as I turned 17.  A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant.  I told one person and made her swear to secrecy.  What was I going to do?  I mean this couldnt really be happening to me, I was a good girl, my mother and stepfather were involved in church.  I was sure I was going to be disowned, lose my friends and have no way to take care of this little baby.  All these thoughts raced through my head.   I was desperate.  I figured my only option was I would have to get an abortion or move out.  I was going to call the local clinic and then the overwhelming reality of what was growing inside of me hit me.  This was a baby.  A human life, how could I take a human life?  So, I began my plan of how I was going to tell my family I ruined my life by getting pregnant at 17.   I became settled in the fact that I was going to be a Mom and no matter what that looked like, I was going to do it.  Surely, I could call the baby's father up and we would get back together and it would work out.  

That never happened. 

I was awoke one morning with what I know now to be contractions.  I was only about 8-10 weeks along when I miscarried the baby.  I went through the whole process of miscarriage alone that day.  I told no one that I had experienced it at the time.  I had no information about miscarriages at that point. I had no idea that these things sometime occur.  I thought that I had somehow willed my baby's death by contemplating an abortion for those brief moments.  The shame and self-loathing overshadowed my life. Sure, I kept it all together for outsiders, but inside I was a mess.  The pain and the hurt and the ache has never really left me.  Sure, it has lessened but there remains a brokeness and a void that can never be filled this side of eternity.  

I have talked about this more recently then ever before.  Recently, I attended a fundraiser in which Ruth Graham (Billy Graham's daughter) was the guest speaker.  She told the story of her daughter who had a baby at 16.  Her daughter was able to carry the baby to full term and gave the ultimate gift of releasing her baby for adoption.  I try to think about Ruth's daughter and cannot even imagine the void that comes with carrying a baby, seeing the child, loving on the child and then handing them over to adoptive parents.  In Ruth's daughter's case and my own, we both continued on to make some very poor choices and also some very good ones.  I have to think that she, like me, was searching to fill that void that can never be filled.   I am grateful in more ways that I could ever express that I am able to help others in situations like this and that God still uses people like me.  

I have since been blessed with 5 wonderful children.  As they grow I try to be as honest as possible with them and use my past choices as an example of what not to do.  My first child would be turning 17 this year.  It seems just like yesterday I was going through all of that.It is comforting to know when I get to heaven I will have a baby waiting for me. 

I guess this has been more of a ramble then anything else. I guess I just needed to share it with you all.

May you all choose love and be blessed wildly, 

Wendy xox