Common Denominator

Summer is finally almost here and with it comes all the holidays that usually include family, barbecues, some great pie and sadly, some sort of family drama. This isn’t about airing my family laundry but more of an explanation of where I am coming from.  

A few years ago, I experienced the worst betrayal that I have known to date.  Without exaggeration, it was catastrophic to my world.  It hurt to such an extent that it felt like I had experienced a death.  I have forgiven people involved but it wasn’t until today that I realized I hadn’t allowed for the restoration and healing of my own wound. I had unknowingly stopped at that moment, closed off from any possibility of being hurt like that ever again.  If you close yourself off from everything that means you also close yourself off from good things- a wild awakening in my day today. 

As a result of this, I have failed in many moments and chose the fear of betrayal over the freedom of loving on more than one occasion.  Regrettably, I have let the above circumstances dictate the depth of the relationships that I would and do have in my life.  Completely un-authentic. Until just recently, I was not aware of any of this.  

I could go into the constant happenings  that I have to endure and no doubt you would feel bad for me.  You would say wow, I can’t believe that you have to deal with that, how could they do that to you? I could try to spell it all out to you about how I got to this place and maybe another time I will but for now and for the grand scheme of my life, it really doesn’t matter.   What matters is that I am the common denominator to all of it.

My boundaries, or lack thereof, and poor choices have gotten me to this place where I am today.   It’s not a place that feels happy and full of  “aha moments” but more of a somber, sobering realization that hey you better brace yourself and get to work.  I hate wasting time so I am digging my heals in and moving forward.  As I mentioned in my last post the hearts clamoring always returns. I think the same goes for a wound left ignored.  It becomes infected and often times much more serious to the wounded then the original incident. This is by no means me giving certain people a free pass to continue on with their inconsiderate behavior of me and my family, but instead an acknowledgment of my own mistakes in it all.  My own lack of judgment and even integrity and willingness to protect my ego at all costs in some instances that have led me to this place.  

How do I work to close that wound? Where do I find restoration?   How do you heal an expanse in your heart that seems to just bleed uncontrollably at the even mention of it? I do not have the answer. I do know that ignoring the wound has been more detrimental to me and my relationships since then. It’s great to forgive, but with forgiveness has to come healing.  I completely found no worth in healing when it came to my own wound.  I figured it would just go away.  It hasn’t. What I have found though is this promise that there is a lover of my little broken mess soul that through acts of faith will do immeasurably more that I can ever ask for or imagine.  See, Ephesians 3:16-21 (no hyperlinks, stop being lazy and get out your bibles people! J ) That doesn’t mean I am going to get the winning lottery tickets to buy a home far away from everyone either but more of the ability to heal that wound closed and move forward with freedom from the past- an idea far more than I can imagine at this point.

I thank you, my beloved friends that know exactly where this post is coming from and love me anyways.  

With love and gratitude,

Wendy