Getting to the Heart of Matters

"[Our] original shimmering self gets buried so deep we hardly live out of it all... rather, we learn to live out all of the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world's weather." Frederick Buechner

Last night I was reading this quote and I found this sense of urgency rise up in me.  A reminder of my newly awakened soul.  Don't get me wrong,I have hardly been sleeping my life away.  But in a world of efficiency and getting the most accomplished, I had lost the fervor for doing to just measure up to some one's possible expectations that I would have to not only meet but exceed. A couple years ago the crying of my demanding heart became too much and seemed to risky to follow so I decided to drift off into a long winter's nap.  My heart put up a good fight to be free but the demands and expectations were just too big, too demanding. As the world crashed and moved around me I  did all I could to just drown out the sounds of my screaming soul, pretending they weren't real.  My existence become one of total functionality.  I hid behind everything accepting this new way of life as some sort of lot for all I had done wrong. The self-pity lasts for awhile and I could even fool myself that somehow I wasn't responsible for this.  That maybe the people that turned their backs on me or worse still, the betrayal of those closest are to blame.  It was an excuse to hide- and not deal with the fact that I would have to draw some lines in the sand.  I was just going back and forth letting life's waves toss me wherever.  Eventually though, something gives and your heart starts it incessant clamoring again and you can either continue on the path of denying it or you can live in the truth of your authentic self and your desires.


In my case, I decided to go with my heart and live my truth out.  No longer pretending that things around me aren't happening but deal with them head on no matter the short term pain they may cause I mean its not at all bad to be true to who you are and live with passion.  Overall, I am beyond blessed with five awesome kids and they have never been part of my stifled heart, in fact they were it's life support for far too long.  My future  remains a bit of a mystery but what I do know is that the staples of my life include love,  peace, honesty and a constant checking of my heart to see that I am living my authentic self.

With love and gratitude,
Wendy